If you have never been to therapy, your idea of what it involves is probably built from a mixture of films, novels, half-remembered conversations and the occasional documentary. Some of that mixture is reasonably accurate. Quite a lot of it is not, and the bits that are not tend to be the bits that put people off coming.

This is a gentle walk through some of the common myths about therapy, written by me, Felicity, an integrative psychotherapist in Cobham. The aim is not to sell you on coming. The aim is to make sure that if you do decide to come, or not to come, the decision is made on a clearer picture than the one most of us are working from.

Myth one: "You just talk about your childhood for years"

This is the image most of us inherit from Freudian-era films. A reclining couch, a quiet analyst, long silences punctuated by reluctant disclosures about a difficult mother. Most modern therapy does not look like this. Childhood may come up — particularly if it is relevant to what you are bringing — but most contemporary work is at least as concerned with what is happening in your life now and what you would like to be different - and sometimes patterns from the past are relevant.

Depending on the approach, the focus might be on specific symptoms (CBT), on patterns in current relationships (relational therapy), on the body and the nervous system (somatic and trauma work), on inner parts and how they relate (IFS), on warmth and compassion (CFT), or on a blend of all of these (integrative). Childhood is part of the picture in many of these, but it is rarely the whole of it.

And the timescale is not "years" for most people. Many useful pieces of therapy are eight to twenty sessions. Longer work exists, and is sometimes the right thing, but it is not the default.

Myth two: "Therapy is just paying someone to listen"

A trained therapist is not your friend who happens to be free on Tuesday afternoons. They have spent four to seven years training, have a personal therapy of their own, are supervised in their work, and operate within an ethical framework set by their professional body — BACP, UKCP, BPS or BABCP in the UK. The work they do is informed by a substantial body of theory and practice.

Yes, listening is part of it. So is noticing patterns. So is offering reflections you might not have arrived at on your own. So is gently testing assumptions, holding difficult material so it is bearable, attending to what is happening in the room between you, and providing a steady, reliable presence over time. None of this is a friend over coffee, but the Therapist's own experiencing of you comes into play.

The simplest evidence is that talking to a friend, however good, rarely produces the kind of change that good therapy produces. If it did, none of us would be in business.

Myth three: "Therapy is only for people in crisis"

This is one of the most common reasons people delay coming. They have decided their difficulty is not "big enough", that other people have it worse, that they should manage on their own.

You do not have to be in crisis to come. In fact, most of the people I see are not in crisis. They are functioning, often well, and quietly carrying something that is making life heavier than it should be. Therapy is just as useful — arguably more useful — before things have become unbearable.

Catching difficulty early tends to be easier on you. By the time something has reached crisis, it has usually consolidated, and the work of tending to it is harder.

Myth four: "Therapy will dig things up and make me worse"

This is a more reasonable fear than it might sound. Therapy can stir things up. Talking about difficult material can bring up feelings that have been kept at arm's length. The days after a particularly real session can sometimes feel raw.

What this myth misses is the difference between a well-paced therapy and a poorly paced one. With a trained therapist working at the right speed for you, the stirring is contained and useful. There is room for what comes up, time to settle, attention to whether you are within what is bearable. If the pace is wrong, we slow down. If something is too much, we put it carefully away for now.

The research is consistent that, on average, people who do therapy feel meaningfully better, not worse. The hard moments are part of the work, not signs that the work is failing.

Myth five: "The therapist will judge me"

A trained therapist's job is, in part, to be a person you can say things to without being judged for them. Not because therapists are saints — they are people, like everyone else — but because they have trained themselves to hold what people bring without recoiling, and because they have done enough work on their own material that other people's material does not unsettle them in the way it might unsettle a friend.

I have heard a great deal in the consulting room over the years. Affairs, addictions, regrets, things people have done that they cannot believe they did, things that have happened to them that they cannot believe happened. I have, without exception, found that what arrives is more understandable, more human, than the person bringing it can usually believe.

You will not shock your therapist. Whatever you are carrying, they have heard versions of it before, from people just as worthy of warmth as you.

Myth six: "Therapy is self-indulgent"

This is often less a myth than an inherited family attitude — "people in our family don't do that", "real problems are starvation and war, not your feelings". It tends to be loudest in people whose upbringing was emotionally austere, whose feelings were not made room for.

The opposite is closer to true. Looking after your own psychological life makes you more available, more present, kinder, more patient with the people around you. The benefits ripple outwards into partners, children, colleagues, friends. If anything, it is one of the more pro-social things you can do for the people you love.

Myth seven: "It is too expensive"

This is sometimes a real constraint and sometimes a way of not coming. Private therapy in Surrey is typically £70 to £140 per session, and that is a meaningful sum. For many people, the question is whether that fee, weekly, fits within a household budget that has other genuine demands on it.

Several things worth knowing. NHS Talking Therapies is free, and you can self-refer in most areas. Cruse offers free bereavement counselling. Mary Frances Trust and other Surrey low-cost services offer reduced-fee places. Many private therapists hold a small number of reduced-fee places for clients who could not otherwise access the work — it is worth asking. Private medical insurance (Bupa, Aviva, AXA, WPA, Vitality) often covers a number of sessions, though policies vary.

And, more honestly, many people who say therapy is too expensive are spending the same amount each month on other things that are less central to their wellbeing. That is not a moral judgement; it is sometimes useful to notice.

Myth eight: "I have to know what I want to talk about"

You do not. The most common opening to a useful session is "I don't really know where to begin". We begin from that. Whatever arrives arrives. The therapist's job is partly to help you find your way into what you are carrying without your having to plan it in advance.

Some people prepare. Some people arrive empty-handed. Both work.

Myth nine: "Therapy is for women, or for sensitive people"

The stereotype that therapy is somehow feminine, or for "soft" people, has done a great deal of damage. Men in particular often hold off coming for years because of it. The truth is that therapy is for human beings with inner lives, which is everyone. Mick Cooper, the British psychotherapist, often makes the point that therapy is not a luxury for the well-resourced — it is a basic act of self-attention.

Myth ten: "If I go to therapy, it means I have failed"

Coming to therapy is not a sign you have failed. It is a sign that you have noticed something you would like to attend to, and that you are willing to do something about it. That noticing, and that willingness, are the opposite of failure. They are quietly courageous.

And finally

If something in this article has made therapy seem a little more available, that was the aim. You do not have to come. You do not have to come yet. But if you have been holding off for one of the reasons above, please make sure the holding-off is based on accurate information rather than inherited mythology.

You are allowed to think about it.

If you would like to talk

If something here has resonated and you would like to talk it through, you can arrange an introductory call by emailing me at FelicityJaggar@gmail.com or leaving a message on 07923 319800. The introductory call is free, lasts fifteen to twenty minutes, and carries no obligation to take anything further.